Dear….

To you…

To the man who was once my best friend, my world, my everything… I have been wanting to write you a letter to truly express what damage and heart break you have truly caused us. The problem was every time I it crossed my mind, I realized you didn’t deserve that. You did not deserve to know how much pain I allowed you to make me feel. I will never be able to fully heal though if I am not able to get this out. I could write a letter and burn it or rip it apart, but then I know it will never reach you. I still hold onto hope that you will heal and be able to find this letter one day and truly understand it.

Our lives started together at 20 and from the moment I was reunited with you I was barely separated from you. You made me believe you were different, that there were good men out there. I fell in love with you.. You had every ounce of my heart and I trusted you. That was my first mistake. I don’t remember how long into dating that the first red flags came, but I remember when I first caught you cheating. The messages to someone we had in our home constantly and someone I considered a friend. I remember how sick to my stomach was, but it was my fault you did this. I let it slide… then your ex told me how you were texting me from her house and you had told me you were at a party with a friend… again I put you over the red flags. You made me feel safe, when I was anxious, sad, angry, happy any emotion YOU were the one I needed or wanted. When I needed a phone call made or my anxiety stopped me from doing something YOU were that person to do it for me. Then slowly it went from cheating and emotional abuse to physical abuse… It started off small, but eventually it turned into you punching me in the head with a glass in front of our 2 year old son… Blood poured down my face as our son watched in horror.. That should have been the last time I allowed myself anything with you, but it wasn’t. I allowed you back into our home, into my life. I never thought our life could get any worse… We had two beautiful amazing children and I knew I had to change for these babies. I was hoping you would follow… and I know the trauma you endured with not having your mother or father, but I thought that would make you a better father. Dont get me wrong, when we first had our babies you were an amazing father. I will NEVER take that away from you… But each other your spark got dimmer and dimmer. You were lying about what time you were getting out of work to go to the casino, different females constantly in your inbox, drinking got heavier. I was exhausted, but I didnt want our family separated… I would do anything to make us work. As you would gaslight me to make me believe you had to cheat on me because I didnt give it up to you enough, but how was I supposed to feel comfortable to have sex with a man that would tell me how fat and worthless I was when he was mad, or to fill his needs with another woman then come home and play house with me. I couldnt be defeated though. I had kids to raise… and I was trying to save our family. The yelling became more, the grabbing and pushing, to the nights I would lay on Kingstons floor crying, holding him, and praying to God this would end. You could wake up the next day with an apology or sometimes not and just go on… I was so confused and hurt… I never knew what a narcissist was. I was open with you about my previous abusive relationships and being cheated on… I never thought it could get worse than that, but you proved me wrong. As I am pregnant with our baby girl I had to find out about you having an entire relationship behind my back… Out here making me look crazy to this girl, until I told her I was pregnant with your daughter. Then she realized she was fooled by you just like I was. I felt stuck though, all these girls were able to get far away from you, but here I was STUCK. I was a single mother in a two-parent household. The problem was you forgot what was important. You forgot about how lucky you are to have these two amazing kids. Drugs came into play and you stopped showing up… I was dragging our kids to work at 6am because you didnt come home.. just to leave to get them to school. I would have to text the teacher to make sure they got to school on time if you did show up or calling the daycare at 5am to beg them to let the kids come early. All because drinking, young females, and drugs became more important to you. I was so embarrassed of myself for continuing to allow this to happen and doing nothing about it. People watching me and wondering why I wasnt leaving or what I was doing, but what they didnt see was the physical abuse, the threats of you taking the kids and taking the house, leaving me with nothing… and when you have been gaslighted for 5-8 years I genuinely beleived I was going to be left with nothing.

I will always love you and I cannot deny that. You gave me two of the best things in my entire life and it breaks my heart how much you have missed out by choice. Our kids are amazing and I do not mean that lightly. I will say thank you though… thank you for not contacting us after rehab and abandoning us… You needed to be a recovered man and really deal with your trauma and you couldnt do that. These kids need a healed and healthy father. They love you just as much as they ever did. They miss you everyday. I will never take the love they have for you away because that isnt my place. But you hurt our son, especially our son. That kid NEVER deserved for the things you did to him. IF you genuinely knew him and saw the man he is growing into you would be so proud. He is the smartest, handsome, kind hearted, genuine person I am lucky to spend everyday with. He is everything you weren’t to me and God blessed with me that because he knew I needed that. He has stepped into a role he should have never had to being the man of this house. He is so loved by so many people that come into his life and YOU are missing out on that. And Lilli the sassiest, but sweetest and beautiful girl you ever saw. She is also so loved by everyone and everyday I know she is my karma…. Everyday she keeps me on my feet, but she knows how to make me laugh.. She knows when I need her the most. She is the perfect balance to everything. You are missing it all… almost two years of no effort made for them… two years of just out here living your life when it was simple what you needed to do to be back into their lives.. Why werent they good enough? What was more important than them? There is not a single sacrifice I wouldnt make for them… And because of you I have to give up my time to work extra hours to be able to make sure they live comfortably… I have to miss games or whatever because I cant afford to miss work. I have to be stressed everyday to make sure I have someone to watch and take care of them… while you do nothing. Every 3 months you check in to say you miss them… then out you go.

I loved you so much, and I saw a future with you. I envisioned our family doing the sports things, the vacations, the everything. Now I am sitting here wondering what happened? How did everything become so much more important than them? This isnt about me, this is about our son crying because he misses his dad or him trying to understand why other people get their Dad, but he doesnt. Or our daughter who doesnt seem to be as affected as King, which scares me even more. What if she dated a man like you? You would never allow the things that happened to me be allowed to happen to her.

I will never understand it, I tried so hard to help you. I thought rehab was finally it, to finally have the you I knew back… But rehab is what finally gave me the strength to say I am done. To finally stand up for myself and our kids and say enough is enough. You cant pick and chose when to be a father or when its convenient for you. I cant allow you to come and go thinking that that is what is best for them.. consistency is what is best for them. Someone who wants to be apart of their lives at all times.

You texted me today saying you were going away for 3 years… I wont believe it until I see it for myself. You should have been locked away a long time ago for everything you have done. It finally all caught up. I hope if it is true it gives you a good solid 3 years to reflect on everything you have done in the past 12 years to me and our kids. I hope for our kids you get the help you need in there to come out a better man and father for our kids. But I truly hope if it is true, I get peace for 3 years. You needed to do better and be better… and I was always rooting for you. You still get talked about everyday in our household.. at dinner or a memory. Our son has pictures of you in his room. They love you just as much as they ever did. You have missed out on some amazing human beings and that is time you will never get back.

(Im not editing this, its raw and true emotion I needed out)