SELF

10 months ago, I quit drinking. 10 months I have sat with every single emotion, and I have had to really let these emotions hit. A lot has happened in 10 months.

I can proudly say that my children and I officially share the same last name. I was never married to their dad, so we always had a different last name. Something that once he was out of the picture I truly struggled with. I was sick of being called Mrs. “blank” or anytime my children achieved something the name was announced with their dads last name who had nothing to do with that moment that they earned. He hasn’t had to struggle, sacrifice, or even celebrated a single moment in two years. As happy as I was with finally getting the name changed, it came with a lot of unexpected emotion. As I was on the stand in the court room my throat became tight, and I could feel tears. It was a moment that I was questioning if I was being selfish. Am I taking away the last part of their father that they were holding onto? When they are older will they be upset I did this. I had lots of talks with them for this upcoming moment, but they are still young and a lot to take in. As it was granted, relief set in a little bit because after the hell I had been put in for the 10 years I was with their father, the threats he would use against me no longer mattered. I was here for our children; I was the one who never abandoned them. He couldn’t threaten custody any longer and they were officially “insert my last name here.”

Now normally it would be a moment to celebrate and have a drink. but as I sat there still in a disbelief, I had to feel every single emotion. The happiness, the grief, the sadness… The moment before I was leaving the court room the Judge asked me “do you know where he is?” and for once I can honestly say I have no idea. I stopped answering the calls, the texts… I couldn’t take the mind games anymore and it wasn’t that it had gotten easier to not answer, I knew for myself I couldn’t. The phone calls that range from all hours aren’t an effort to get the kids back. It’s to say “I tried” without truly trying, because the judge the day he lost custody told him what he needed to do. I can’t be the holding hand and I have to protect my peace at all costs for my kids. They need one healthy parent.

Now also with being a single parent or really a parent in general going out to the bars, clubs, etc is the way to escape and feel young, like us again. Being sober I have no desire to go out to the bars. I am content being home, but there is that escape I am not getting when going out and just being the hottest mess. I think that has been the hardest part of sobriety. I am single, my social life has gone to nothing, and the loneliness is catching up. But the second I step outside; I want to be home. I have to start feeling the emotions of loneliness because I am not longer disguising it in a booze filled night with friends. I am sitting in the emotion. Work, sports, gym, home, repeat.

I wouldn’t change my sobriety for anything. I think a hangover would kill me at this point. I will never have to hear my kids ask me not to drink when they have witnessed so much because of drugs and alcohol. And my mentality has really taken a turn, sitting, feeling, and actually dealing with these emotions has done nothing but made me a stronger person. Life is wild.