Emotions

Emotions are so crazy, a week ago I remember I was so numb.. I felt like I had been doing so good in life and all the sudden one small click on social media felt like it had taken any healing I had done and thrown it all away. Now today I wake up and feel like I am back on track. Maybe it is the writing, maybe life just had to shake me up. But here I am.. still going…

I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with my kids father.. I thought I was in love. He was my best friend, my anti-anxiety medicine, my everything. 10 years of being together, he knew me better than anyone else. Unfortunately now that I look back, it wasn’t love.. maybe I was in love, but it wasn’t what love was supposed to be. I was willing to do whatever to keep my family together though and if that meant the abuse, lies, and cheating we would get through it.

Now finding out I was pregnant was never the picture perfect ideal moments in life and let me tell you neither were my pregnancies. I think I suppress so much trauma I don’t remember a lot of things.. My childhood is all a blur and the past ten years are as well. I thought my first pregnancy was going to be great. I was so scared to be pregnant, but I knew how excited R was. I remember the fear of telling people. I was scared to be judged, I knew we weren’t in the place we should be..

I remember being so mad at my family because they weren’t supportive and I think at that moment that is who I needed most. My Dad didn’t talk to me for two weeks and how are you supposed to be excited if no one else is? I understand now, but I still don’t agree. Those are the people you need the most when you are already scared and confused so when they aren’t even there you question yourself even more. I did have supportive people, my best friend to this day took my first ever “bump” picture.. and I will never forget telling her.. sitting on the floor of the restaurant we worked at.. it is a story we will only understand, but it will be a moment I am forever grateful for.

I was already struggling with the pregnancy not knowing what life was going to bring. Everyone says you don’t know what love is until you see your very own child, but I just never believed it. How could you love something so much? What I also couldn’t understand is how someone who “loves” you so much and you are carrying their child make your pregnancy so hurtful? I think that is when I finally realized this wasn’t normal and it wasn’t healthy. I don’t remember every little thing and like I said I think my brain has suppressed so much.. But I will never forget the night when the first physical abuse happened when I was pregnant…There was a fight, I couldn’t tell you why or what it was about.. I just remember the yelling was getting was so bad so I left the room.. I was followed and just trying to go to bed and that is when it happened.. I physically got kicked off of our bed by the man whose child I was carrying. Now most people would think that that is the first sign to just fucking leave and never go back.. But I was already 2 years into dealing with a narcissist and up until recently I had no idea what a narcissist even was, but WOW looking back.. it all makes sense..

I didn’t leave, I stayed.. I got an apology or gas lighted into thinking it was my fault.. who knows. But I know I stayed and I know the rest of my pregnancy had the good moments and bad.. December 15 2014, my due date, it was supposed to be the best day of my life.. Well with a narcissist any day that is supposed to be special will more than likely be ruined if it doesn’t revolve 100 percent around them.. Again no idea what happened or what the fight was even about, but I remember the keys to my car got taken from me so I couldn’t go anywhere.. I remember calling my mom crying to come get me.. I remember just asking why.. what I had done to deserve this.. on such an important day, I remember questioning what I was bringing my son into.. Yet again I went back.. I went home.. I couldn’t trust my partner, he was a well known cheater.. but of coarse it was my fault. I got a message that night after I had to have my mom come pick me up.. from a neighbor.. She told me as soon as I had left he invited her over to smoke with him. It might sound innocent, but if you knew him, you knew his intentions. How did I stay with a man after that? 9 months pregnant that just left crying on our due date.. and he instead of trying to make things right invited a female over to OUR apartment. I forgave him for our baby. I needed our son to come into a happy home..

Just writing this and looking back on just my first pregnancy makes me so sad.. To look back at the broken girl 8 years ago. As I write holding back tears and the anger at myself for allowing this, it also reminds me how far I have come. Now this is just my first pregnancy and just what I can remember.. And all of this is just background to get caught up to how and why I am the person I am today. So hold on because the future does get brighter.