Being a single mom is so hard. I would never wish this on anyone. The sad part is as every year went on, I slowly expected to end up being a single mom. I would never change being a mom for anything and there was nothing more I could do for their dad to be a better dad or be a dad at all. That man had so much trauma and was never loved right that I don’t think he knows what love is.
It was not all bad all the time. After we had our son, I felt like maybe this would be what finally changed things. We were both so in love with our son and I felt good. But nothing lasts forever… I had been cheated and lied to before so there was no trust in our relationship. The fights began to happen again, and I just remember so many nights having to go into our sons’ room and I would lay on the floor with him crying… Again, asking why? Why was this happening to me, to us?
Trying to cope with so much emotional abuse is hard. I was still young, only 23. I was learning to be a mom while also juggle this toxic relationship. I needed time out. Alcohol and I have always had a pretty toxic relationship. But at no point was I ready to admit that. I didn’t think I had a problem, and it was “normal” A night out with friends would quickly turn into one of the worst nights. A night where I was just going for a drink, but it was never just one drink. It was to get out and make myself forget what was really going on at home, so I drowned my emotions. I got myself a DUI. I could make excuses and blame it all on what I was going through and blah blah blah… But there is no one to blame, but myself. Here I am a new mom, now feeling even more like a failure getting a DUI. My kids’ father would not even talk to me, it was so lonely and scary because even though this person may be abusing you, he is your safety, your best friend. A lot of people don’t understand how someone who treats you so terribly can be “your” person… But there are things and moments you have that aren’t all bad. The moments that you wish could be all the time.
As life just wanted to keep shitting on me, I knew it was time to get on birth control. A couple weeks after my DUI I had an appointment to get set up. A quick in and out to take a pregnancy test and get the birth control. I wasn’t even put into a room at the time because it was going to be such an in and out process. I go take the test and need to wait a few minutes. Life is funny. Life knows what you need before you know it. Life knew I was getting a little too wild and needed me to sit down. My doctor comes out… and says 5 words I will never forget… “when was your last period?” My heart dropped to my stomach because I knew… I knew I was pregnant with baby number 2. I started bawling in front of everyone, my doctor tried to calm me down by saying “maybe it’s a false positive” No I knew better… I have a son who isn’t even one, I just got a DUI and my kids’ father isn’t speaking to me. Yup I get it calm down.
I left the appointment immediately knowing I needed to call my kid’s father. Of course, no answer, I already knew. I left a voicemail and that was that. I don’t really remember much after that. I mean we got over everything and started speaking again. I mean we lived with each other, and I knew we would get through it, but I don’t know if it was the pregnancy or what. Things still seemed distant though. I remember I felt so lonely in life. He wasn’t coming home right after work and my gut told me something was happening. And I was pregnant…
Now like I said before he wasn’t ever faithful… and my gut never led me wrong. That is always my advice FOLLOW YOUR GUT, FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCT. It is never wrong. The first instance was finding texts from a number that wasn’t saved with some disgusting texts in them… and when I confronted him, he told me it was a site that girls send those messages for lonely men. That should have been it right there, but I refused to believe I was getting cheated on so I accepted that answer. We shared a phone plan under my name, and I am not proud that I had to do any of this. It’s so sad the lengths I went to get the truth, but I would never get it from him. My gut told me to check our phone bill… and there it was an out of state number… getting more texts, calls, and photos than I was. So, I asked him and here comes the lie… He was looking to buy a dirt bike… but why are you sending pics to someone you’re buying from? So, I needed the truth, I am pregnant and have a son and I am not about to be made out to look stupid… So, I text the number, nothing, call, nothing… Finally, I get a response and sure enough it’s a female… Now at first, she wants to talk reckless to me like I am some crazy ex… But as soon as the words “DID HE TELL YOU IM 3 MONTHS PREGNANT” came out everything changed. She had been visiting him at work, buying him cigarettes, giving him money… All this while I am at home raising our son, pregnant with our daughter. She even said she went to dinner with him and our son… Will I ever know if that is true? No, but I pray it isn’t.
The fight that this led to between us was one of the worst. My son witnessed it, I was heartbroken. The man I loved could just cheat on the woman carrying his child like it was nothing. I am sure people are like that’s it, that is when you left right? Not even close. I ended up forgiving him, we had our beautiful baby girl… This was it… He is going to see his daughter and change. He would never want a man treating his baby girl like this… Well, when I thought the worst was over, I realized it had all just began…
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