Single Mom

I wouldn’t wish being a single mom on my worst enemy. When I say single mom, I mean a mom who has her children 24/7 and no help from their father. My kids father has not seen them in almost 2 years and is 14,000$ behind in child support with a check in here and there to say he did it. Being a mom is already hard on its own, but trying to do the job of two people has been the hardest things in my life. I am trying to be a best friend, mentor, mom, idol, maid, sports mom, and so much more while also working more than full time to provide a two-person income. I also refuse to allow my kids to miss out on experiences just because I am a single mom. I have travel soccer for my son, taekwondo for my daughter, at least a 40-hour work weeks, while trying to hit the gym and keep myself sane. It is impossible. I am emotionally drained, but my smile is there, I don’t want or need my kids to know how drained I am. They need to be children.

If you have never been in an abusive relationship or trauma bond you will never have any idea how hard it really is to leave or even the aftereffects it does to you. I have officially been separated from my ex for almost two years. It will be two years in October… and I didn’t choose it to be that way. I always held on to a little bit because I “loved” him. I saw a man that no one else saw that COULD be good when he wanted to be.. WHEN HE WANTED TO BE. I look back at myself now just mind blown with what I allowed myself to be put through for years. I held on because I didn’t want that separate family or to be away from my kids.. and anytime things did not go his way.. he always threatened taking the kids. The thought of one day away from my kids made me sick to my stomach.. the thought of who or what he would bring around my kids made me sick… so I held on.. I held onto a relationship that was mentally and physically draining.

One thing I can thank him for is letting me go. I wasnt going to be able to let him go on my own. Every year after we had kids it seemed to get worse. A new addiction from gambling, to sex, to alcohol and drugs. I am a hard empath so I want to save everyone before I save myself and that what was slowly killing me. The man I was in love with who gave me two of the greatest blessings of my life was just throwing us away for selfish reasons. So many mornings he was supposed to be home with our kids so I could make it to work at 6 am, but he would not show. So many nights he would show wasted yelling and screaming at me waking our kids up. The nights that I was at home knowing there was someone else.. I knew what was going on, but I couldnt accept it. So many nights with the proof right in my face.. crying, wondering why, but everytime he found a way to blame it on me. I wasn’t putting out enough, I was cheating, I wasnt giving him enough attention.. this and that.. and he made me believe that. Or he would make me feel crazy WHY would
I go threw his phone or message a girl.. Why don’t I trust him?

I went through it all the physical and mental abuse, but I kept going back.. not because I am weak… But because of a trauma bond. October 1st 2021 was the day that saved my life. He was arrested that previous weekend for a bond violation.. It was his birthday and he asked to spend the day with the kids.. So I picked up a shift at work. Then I got the call from the county jail and he wasnt going to make it out in time to spend the day with his kids. I was so embarrassed because I just started a new job and here I am having to leave in the middle of my shift to go pick up my kids, drop them off and go back to work. I was so disappointed for the kids too, knowing the day they were suppose to have and the reason I picked up an extra shift was so they could enjoy their Dads birthday without me there.
I didnt want to fight with him on his day or ruin it for the kids. Thats the day I felt fully defeated by him and he was never going to change.

I got a call from him and he told me he was ready for rehab, ready for a change. I had asked him for rehab before, but he refused so i thought this was the light at the end of the tunnel. He asked if I would be willingly to drive him 3 hours downstate to the facility. Yes, anything to save my childrens father I would do. So we drove, we cried, we cried so hard. We held hands and I was sick to my stomach. How am I going to tell the kids, how will I do life without him.. 10 years and he would pop in and out and be gone for a few months, but I always knew he was around. I always knew I could reach out if I needed too. This was one of the hardest things I have ever done. He made a video for our kids telling them he is “sick” and will be back once he is better. I didnt want to leave him. My heart hurt, but I knew this was best. So I turned around drove back home and went to work. heartbroken.

A week into treatment I finally got a call and was struggling this day. This call meant everything to me and was exactly what I needed. He sounded so good and I believed he was finally doing what he needed to be doing. The next week another call and a letter… A letter that told me he was so sorry for everything and he was working the program.. that if I still would he wanted to get married and fix everything. I thought this was it… everything I had been waiting for.. then the next week no call… and another week no call… That is when my hope was over. Immediately was gut told me he left rehab, maybe he ran to his family downstate and couldnt face me. Most people dont successfully complete rehab the first time… so maybe that was it. The part that made me really mad though was we have children.. so where are you and how are you okay not knowing how your kids are.. or what is going in their lives..

He was out, he was out living his everyday life 10 minutes away from us. His choice though is what saved me. This was finally it to let me let him go. When he finally contaced us in November I was done. I was fed up. He tried demanding talking to he kids when had chosen not to contact them for a month, he tried to scare me by threatening to take them… but he didnt scare me anymore. I knew I needed to fight and what was meant to happen would. I have always given him chances to be a good father, but I always let him come back no matter what.. So after he wanted to demand to talk to the kids I scheduled a phone call.. time and date and he had agreed. The time came.. no call.. another 5 minutes no call.. and finally 15 minutes no call. I was done. Done with the games and inconsistency.

I am a single mom who had full legal and physical custody.. After all these mishaps I had to go to court, I had to have something established so he could not use my kids as a weapon anymore. He knew the one thing that would break me was threatening to take the kids.. He knew I would break and allow him back in my house so I knew my kids were safe with him. As a mother though I should never question if my kids are safe with their Dad. We went to court and I was awarded full custody, his parenting time was suspended and the judge laid out in black and white what needed to be done to earn custody back. I thought that this would light a fire under his ass and realize “hey I am really fucking up and need to change” but it did the complete opposite.

No effort was ever made to regain custody.. he disappeared. He disappeared from my life and our kids.. for months.. The kids never got a happy birthday, holidays, and I never got a dollar in child support. And I am okay.. I am more at peace now then I was all 10 years, but our kids dont understand. They dont understand why Daddy never came back from being sick. To my kids their Dad is still a superhero. I tell them everyday that their Dad still loves them and he could be back one day when he gets better. As they get older I get a little more honest like how he grew up and was not raised in the best enviroment… and he has trauma he needs to work on too. But it is not my place to make my children look at their Dad any differently then they want too, it is not my place to take the love they have for him away. He can paint me out as a bitter baby momma or play victim all he wants, but I am not here to make our kids hate him or resent them. I am here to make sure they are raised healthy, happy, and properly.